Sheer sadness

I got an update yesterday, not a good one. I get asked everyday at work "Have you heard anything about the baby". What a blessing it is to work with people who care so much about our adoption. The update yesterday has devastated me. We found out yesterday that there are some changes in the court systems and our travel will most likely be delayed. How much of a delay? Who really knows. I sat at my desk here at home and listened to Julie tell me all that was going on in complete silence....I just could not believe what I was hearing, I couldn't think, I couldn't hardly breath, it was everything I could do to keep from bawling on the phone. So I wished her well as she travels to Ethiopia, hung up the phone, sat down, and just sat there, staring off into space, just trying to process all that I had just heard... How long will we have to wait before I hold my precious daughter, and my worsest fear is not ever having her home at all. How could I let myself fall so in love with a picture and a hope. I am a nurse, I deal with tragedy every day. I'm a realist, hard as nails, can be a... "that attitude will not fly in this ER" nurse, a real bad a*# when I need to be. How have I let my heart get so vulnerable?

Well, I was just sitting in my chair when my husband came home from work. I got up and told him about the entire conversation with Julie and then the bawling let loose. I am still a complete mess. And my greatest fear is still....what if this little girl I love so very much is never mine? Now I am having to accept the fact that my girl will not spend her first Christmas with us, and we won't be with her. All the day dreams I've had about sitting and holding her while we open presents won't happen this year. I may not get to travel with Bethany, I've gotten so close to her, and it just breaks my heart to think we won't share getting our precious babies together.

"God, I pray that you give me the strength to endure this wait. Not knowing when it will end is almost unbearable. I know that you are with me, please pick me up and carry me, because my legs are so tired I just can't hardly walk this path anymore".

Guys, today is my daughter's 16th birthday. I have waited 16 years to celebrate this day with her, please pray that my spirits will lift and I can be a happy mommy for her.