Sheer sadness

I got an update yesterday, not a good one. I get asked everyday at work "Have you heard anything about the baby". What a blessing it is to work with people who care so much about our adoption. The update yesterday has devastated me. We found out yesterday that there are some changes in the court systems and our travel will most likely be delayed. How much of a delay? Who really knows. I sat at my desk here at home and listened to Julie tell me all that was going on in complete silence....I just could not believe what I was hearing, I couldn't think, I couldn't hardly breath, it was everything I could do to keep from bawling on the phone. So I wished her well as she travels to Ethiopia, hung up the phone, sat down, and just sat there, staring off into space, just trying to process all that I had just heard... How long will we have to wait before I hold my precious daughter, and my worsest fear is not ever having her home at all. How could I let myself fall so in love with a picture and a hope. I am a nurse, I deal with tragedy every day. I'm a realist, hard as nails, can be a... "that attitude will not fly in this ER" nurse, a real bad a*# when I need to be. How have I let my heart get so vulnerable?

Well, I was just sitting in my chair when my husband came home from work. I got up and told him about the entire conversation with Julie and then the bawling let loose. I am still a complete mess. And my greatest fear is still....what if this little girl I love so very much is never mine? Now I am having to accept the fact that my girl will not spend her first Christmas with us, and we won't be with her. All the day dreams I've had about sitting and holding her while we open presents won't happen this year. I may not get to travel with Bethany, I've gotten so close to her, and it just breaks my heart to think we won't share getting our precious babies together.

"God, I pray that you give me the strength to endure this wait. Not knowing when it will end is almost unbearable. I know that you are with me, please pick me up and carry me, because my legs are so tired I just can't hardly walk this path anymore".

Guys, today is my daughter's 16th birthday. I have waited 16 years to celebrate this day with her, please pray that my spirits will lift and I can be a happy mommy for her.

Good bye Summer!!!!!!!!!

This weekend we went down to the park and enjoyed the beautiful sun and fall colors. We had a great time, but we all know that this is one of the last few days of warm weather left and the cold, dreary days of winter are right around the corner. But that also means that our baby girl will be home. Oh how I feel sorry for her leaving such a warm enviornment and coming to our long, cold winters in Southwestern Virginia. We'll have to bundle her up good when we get her home!!!!

Package to our baby

This is the package we're sending to our baby girl. Oh how I wish I could fit into that gallon zip lock bag. I have kissed every item that went into that bag (am I crazy?). The scripture idea I got from Autumn's nursery, by the way Autumn, your nursery is so beautiful!!!! It is embrodered and I prayed for our baby girl the whole time I worked on it. What a joy it was to put this together. It'll be in the mail to AGCI tomorrow!!!!!!!!

El Salvador Mission Trip

I know this is supposed to be a blog about our adoption, but OH WELL, it's my blog and my mind is in El Salvador today. I miss it so bad. El Salvador is definately my 2nd home. This is a picture of me with some girls I played jump rope with during our last trip down there. As you can see, I'm in my scrubs because my main role there is providing medical care. There isn't a lot of time for play but I do manage to get out of the clinic for a few minutes and just go play with the kids. That is really what I enjoy about these trips. The lady in the back with the pink shirt is one of the ladies from the church we attend while we are there. She is an amazing woman and makes out of this world papusas. Our church is preparing for another trip to El Salvador in January. We will not be able to go as we feel that our baby Natalie wil be home, or will be home soon after, praying for the 1st option!!!! But my 16 yo daughther Ashley will be going, her 1st trip there, and I won't be going with her. Okay, that is still a scarry thought and we've been planning for her to go for a couple months now. But she is going to serve God and feels she is lead to go. I don't know of a better thing for her to choose to do. Below is a picture of a beautiful corn field. This is a community corn field where most people there get their corn for tortillas from this one field. There isn't very much land so everyone has to share this field.

Reflection

As our adoption process has went on, I have learned a great many things. It has been an incredible time of growth in my abiltiy to be patient. I have never been a very patient person, I absolutely HATE surprises, birthdays, Christmas, because I don't like to wait, and I hate not to have control. Well, let me tell you that if you desperately need help in these area, like I did, just start on this wonderful journey called international adoption. I have learned not to be in control of every situation, and there is NO room for impatience. I am so grateful to my Lord that he has called our family to take on this feat. I am now mmmuuuuccccchhhhh more patient, and don't mind so much not being in control. I have complete peace in my heart with this entire process. Earlier on, especially with waiting for our referral, I was not so OK. Not knowing where my baby girl was, if she was being cared for, if she was cold, hungry, alone, or even born, was most definately the hardest part for me. But now I know who she is, I know where she is, and I know that she is being cared for, it's so much easier. I of course think about her every waking moment, and long to hold her in my arms, kiss her beautiful face and tell her how much I love her, but that will come in time, in God's time. I know that God is preparing my husband and I's hearts for this upcoming trip to Ethiopia. We will meet her birthmother, and I know that is going to be so hard. So, yeah, God is definately preparing our hearts for that. Our mission trips to El Salvador have been such heart opening experiences for us, I can't imagine how just the TRIP alone will change our hearts and lives, let alone having this new wonderful little girl as our own.

Lord, I praise your Holy name, you are a wonderful God. I'm so glad and thankful that you brought us on this journey. Not only are we gaining this wonderful new family member, but we've grown as YOUR children as well. Nothing can be better than that. Thank you for loving my family enough to choose us to go on this journey with you.

Amen.