Life Changing Events, and Changing Life Roles

First off I want to say that I've really thought long and hard about writing this post. This blog is dedicated to Natalie and her adoption story, and her young life. I plan to have it published in a book at some point for her as a keepsake, a record of her 1st years. This post is not about Natalie, it is about my dad and his mother, my grandmother. I now pretty much know that Natalie will not get to know her grate grandmother when she is old enough to remember her, so maybe a record of what exactly is going on, and how it is changing our family may be a good thing for Natalie to have when she is older. So here it is.

My grandmother, Gertude Deel, has always been a very strong, very histoic person. When she was young...in her 20's, she would go and work with my grandfather in the coal mines. She would drive big trucks with huge logs loaded on it, something that was really frowned upon in the late 30's to early 40's. But she did what she had to do to help raise her family. She lost her son Arlet when he was only 6 months old, watched her oldest daughter suffer through polio, lost her next oldest son when he was 21 in the Vietnam war...only weeks before he was to be honorably discharged, and a younger son to drinking and driving in the early 80's. He was in his late 20's to early 30's. I'm not sure of his exact age. Mamo Gertude could out work most everyone I know, even in her 70's. I would go out to see her in the spring and summer only to find her somewhere working in her huge garden. Stubborn as a rock, hard as nails, she believed that children should be raised stictly, taught to "respect their elders". Since she was raised during the Depression, she would hoard food and keep things far past their expiration dates. I remember when Ashley was a little bitty thing, she'd go with my dad out to visit Mamo Gertude, and I'd send Ashley with her own personal packed lunch.....to keep her from eating any potentionally "spoiled" food. That's been a big "inside" joke of our family for years. And no matter how much you try to explain to Mamo how she needed to throw these things away, she just couldn't stand to be "wasteful". Mamo Gertude has always been a very tough person, and she's always been one to let the men of the family have the head of the house...she has much more respect for men than she does women, and more respect for boys than girls....so I guess our relationship hasn't always been the best, but I've always loved and admired her dearly...it just hasn't always been mutual.

This year my grandmother's health has taken a drastic turn for the worse. I've watched her go from complete independence to complete dependence. She has gone from living at home, to being bedbound and even unable to lift her arms, or help turn, or eat, or really anything. It started off with a bought of pneumonia, then generalized weakness and frequent falls, to a subdural hematoma and new onset Atrial Fib, to another bought of pneumonia, then a stroke which left her with right-sided paralysis and inability to swallow. She cannot even tolerate her own oral secretions and as I write this today I've made her status comfort care only. This past 3 months has been absolutely devastating. My family has chosen to make me her Power of Attorney for Medical Care, so it's been me to make all the decisions. That is really hard when some family live far away and is not aware of all that is happening, and really has a hard time understanding even when explained simply. I can really understand why too....they remember their mom as that strong willed, hard as nails mom they grew up with. Now I see her cling to my dad like a child would to their parent. So sad. I've watched this role reveral more times than I can count in my professional life, but to live through it is more than words can express. And my dad....he's always been so much like his mother, so strong, so strong willed, and never depend on anybody, and to be perfectly honest with you, not an emotional person at all. It has only been in the past couple years he would tell me he loved me or hug me. Now I watch him with his mother....absolutely to most precious thing I've ever seen. He pet on her like a parent would their own child, he tells her he's sorry and that he loves her. I've never seen my dad like this, and it really makes me proud of him. My dad has also grown very dependent upon me. When things are really going south as far as mamo's health, or problems with nurses, or hospitals in general....I'm not going into all that mess here, he calls me...sometimes as many times as 10-15 times a day. When I go out to visit with my mamo Gertude with my dad, he doesn't want me to leave and will go through great lengths to keep me around. Again, just heart-breaking to see that role reveral. My dad has always been my rock and I'm seeing him grow more and more dependent upon me. It's so much easier when it's not "your family". This by far has been the most difficult days of my life, and adjusting to the added stress of directing the care of my mamo Gertude, and having everyone so dependent upon me has really taken it's toll.

My dear Natalie, I want you to know that your Mamo Gertude is one of the strongest people I've ever known. You remind me a lot of her. I see that strength in you my dear. I only wish you'd came sooner, so you could have known her....as she truly was. But I know that in Heaven you will meet her one day, and I know you'll be as amazed and impressed by her as I always have.

Mamo Gertude, I love you, and until you take your last breath here on Earth, I promise you I'll take care of you the best that I can....I love you....